


Lines From Love Letters Or Suicide Notes

by julyseok



Category: Monsta X
Genre: M/M, mentions of depression, non graphic suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julyseok/pseuds/julyseok
Summary: Love letters and suicide notes are both birthed from a feeling of hesitation, maybe fear, and encompass the future permanence that one feels. At the end of the day, can you really see it? Does the lines seem like it's from a love letter to you, or a suicide note?Alternative: Minhyuk is speaking from a love letter's point of view, and Kihyun a suicide note's.





	Lines From Love Letters Or Suicide Notes

**Author's Note:**

> The lines are from this spoken word poetry by Doc Luben — https://youtu.be/Iy4cEW15SdE.
> 
> Enjoy!

_i. Don't freak out_

The first time Minhyuk confessed to Kihyun, they were both 17 year olds. Young boys with scared hearts and big eyes. They were the best of friends, had been since they could barely speak and played bubbles in the same bathtub, and Minyuk had always loved Kihyun - loves his soft voice as he lulls him to sleep, loves that he lets go of his grudges through angry house cleaning, loves that he's shorter than Minhyuk. Minhyuk finds it all so endearing. Minhyuk pulls Kihyun in for a kiss when the latter enters his room that night for a sleepover, figuring that he might as well come straight to the point.

"What was that for?" Kihyun splutters, cheeks flushed in red. 

"Don't freak out," Minhyuk starts, "But I love you a lot. As in more than friends." They're both still standing close to each other, Minhyuk pressing his palm softly on the shorter boy's hip. Kihyun flushes deeper and the atmosphere in the room is getting a bit too tense that Minhyuk is blushing profusely too. The back of his neck is starting to sweat as well when he realizes he didn't even consider the possibility of getting rejected by Kihyun.

"Minhyuk, you shouldn't say that."

"Is it because we're both boys?"

"No." Kihyun shakes his head, rolling his eyes. He bites his bottom lip nervously and Minhyuk can't stop staring at it. "You're just", Kihyun pauses and blinks at Minhyuk, "you're not gonna love me for long."

"Try me."

_ii. I have been staying awake at nights, wondering if I should tell you._

Kihyun hardly ever sleeps in his room anymore ever since they were 14 years old and old enough to have sleepovers without their parents' permission. Sometimes they sleep in Kihyun's house but more often Kihyun rather be in Minhyuk's house. Kihyun likes Minhyuk's family, finds their company very comfortable and loving, unlike his own. Minhyuk's bedroom also gives the sense of comfort and security although Kihyun doesn't know why, but sleeping on Minhyuk's bed makes him calmer, especially if Minhyuk is right next to him.

Except that Kihyun barely sleeps. He'll murmur lullabies into Minhyuk's ear and stays awake until near dawn. Sometimes if he's lucky, the static in his head quiets down and he'll be able to sleep right after Minhyuk starts snoring. But most of the nights he'll stare at the ceiling fan, counting sheep.

After counting five thousand non-existent sheep, Kihyun is still awake. He turns to face Minhyuk. He always looks serene when he's asleep, there are no frowns etched between his brows. It's times like this where Kihyun finds it difficult to hold everything within himself. Minhyuk is always cheerful and loud during daytime and Kihyun loses himself in between his never-ending mischief and jokes, momentarily forgetting about his own pain. Sometimes Kihyun wishes that Minhyuk never sleeps, so that he could distract him from his own demeaning thoughts.

Kihyun never told Minhyuk about the ghosts that linger on his skin. He wonders if he should.

_iii. Now that we have watched all the episodes of this series, I do not know what else to do next._

"I can't believe it's over." Minhyuk mutters, blowing his nose loudly in his tissue. "I still can't believe they killed Hansung!"

"You're such a crybaby." Kihyun teases him, closing his laptop now that they finished the entire drama, and plops his head back on Minhyuk's bed. Minhyuk takes this as a chance to hovers over Kihyun, placing both hands on each side of the elder's head, as he stares at his boyfriend with a lopsided grin. "Are you sleeping over today?"

"Is that even a question?" Kihyun challenges coyly, locking his hands behind Minhyuk's neck, pulling him down to kiss. They kiss for a bit. Minhyuk is always giggly when they're kissing because Kihyun's lips are so soft like him and even though Kihyun is beneath him, he's always the one who's ahead of their movements.

Kihyun pulls away after a few minutes to catch his breath. "We're never going to stop if you keep kissing me."

"Oh." Minhyuk stares down at his boyfriend's lips, which is now red and slick, and his brain goes haywire. "Um, then — don't stop, then."

"What?" Kihyun raises an eyebrow at Minhyuk. He pushes Minhyuk's shoulders to they could both sit in a proper position. "What do you mean?"

Minhyuk is at loss of words for the first time. He stutters and fiddles with his fingers, trying to find the right words. "Just —", he says nervously, "I — There's not —"

"Minhyuk —"

"We finished Hwarang," Minhyuk talks fast because he's red in embarrassment, "And I don't really know what to do next, but you're hot and we've been dating for six months and —" Minhyuk stops himself, contemplating if he should continue.

"And?" Kihyun asks slowly.

Minhyuk licks his lips and thinks, _fuck it_. "I'm just wondering if you're okay if we.... take the next step?"

Kihyun blinks. "The next step." He repeats. 

"Yeah."

"Minhyuk, why can't you just say sex like a normal 18 year old?"

Minhyuk groans loudly, covering his face in embarrassment. Kihyun laughs at him and pries his fingers away from his face. "Hey", Kihyun coos fondly, "You don't have to be embarrassed about this."

"I'm nervous." Minhyuk admits. "I really love you."

Kihyun smiles. "I love you too."

Their first time wasn't anything too special. Neither of them were experienced to know if what they were doing is right, but they took it slow and learned what they liked and didn't like. Kihyun giggles a lot in between their kisses and Minhyuk feels as if he's falling in love with him all over again. With their chests pressed hotly against each other, Minhyuk thinks he can love Kihyun like this forever.

_iv. I have just been too afraid for too long._

The month that they graduated high school, Kihyun isolated himself for two weeks, ignoring Minhyuk in the process. Nothing is wrong between the both of them, Kihyun even made sure to emphazise it to him. It's just that the situation back home isn't going too well and Kihyun doesn't want to add more fuel to the fire by staying out at Minhyuk's. And on top of that the college entrance exams are coming up. It's just too much. _Too much_ for Kihyun to handle, he's even missed a few of his therapy sessions because he can't find the will to get himself there.

"Do you think heaven really exists?" Kihyun asks in the phone. He locked himself in his room and hides in his closet, a little too stuffy but at least no one could hear him. Kihyun leans back and closes his tired eyes.

"I hope it does", he continues. "I think I'll make it there." 

The person behind the suicide hotline just hums and prolongs the conversation, and Kihyun isn't stupid, he knows their tactics. But it's just nice to talk this openly to a complete stranger.

"I've always been so afraid of killing myself." Kihyun says, gulping slightly at the word. It seems so explicit, something he doesn't hear often in Korea.

"But I will, soon. Not now, not today, not tomorrow. But soon."

Kihyun hangs up.

_v. I imagine my furniture in your apartment._

"I have something to propose to you." Minhyuk announces when Kihyun exits from the shower. Kihyun raises his eyebrow, "Something good I hope?"

"You should have some faith in your boyfriend sometimes", Minhyuk complains. He walks over to engulf Kihyun in a hug, which Kihyun whines because Minhyuk hasn't showered. He gives in once he realizes Minhyuk isn't letting go. 

"I've been thinking", Minhyuk murmurs in Kihyun's neck, swaying them both side to side. "Should we rent a place outside?"

"No." Kihyun pulls away and frowns at him. "Do you know how expensive apartment rentals are?"

"The studio apartments near college are pretty reasonable", Minhyuk tries again. "I've searched up. And we'll have part time jobs, the costs will be covered easily." Minhyuk pouts, knowing that Kihyun always, _always_ gives in when he does that. 

Kihyun hesitates and Minhyuk knows he's already considering the idea. He finally sighs, playing with the hair on the nape of his boyfriend's neck. "Why are you in a hurry of getting a place of our own anyway?"

"I keep imagining what it's like to have my furniture in a house that we can call our own." Minhyuk tells him, and Kihyun's heart warms at those words. "Our own little place", Minhyuk continues, grinning as he bumps Kihyun's nose against his, "And my own tiny boyfriend."

"I am so kicking you out of our bedroom next time."

_vi. We both know this has been coming for a long time._

Kihyun can't stop his legs from shaking. 

He paces nervously in Minhyuk's room, in which he kind of permanently stays here already, biting his fingers as he mulls through what he's already practiced the night before. It's supposed to be easy: Tell Minhyuk about his condition, apologize, and maybe ask if he is willing to deal with his bullshit or else he could just leave for good. No pressure whatsoever.

Except that when Minhyuk finally returns from his hangout with his friends, Kihyun bursts. 

"Minhyuk, I can't move in with you."

Minhyuk didn't register his words the first time. He just hums as he shrugs off his jacket and plants a kiss on Kihyun's forehead. "What is it?"

"I said", Kihyun's voice trembles, "I can't move in with you. To the apartment."

Minhyuk widens his eyes this time. "Why, what happened?" He has a worried expression written all over his face. Minhyuk pulls them both down to sit on his bed as he continues rubbing Kihyun's hands. He doesn't pester Kihyun, allows him to take his time, and Kihyun is glad.

Kihyun takes a few deep breaths and looks at his boyfriend's face. "I'm sick." 

Minhyuk's frown deepens. "What do you mean?"

"I'm depressed." Kihyun says, a little bit startled himself because he's been hiding this secret for so long he thought it'd be so hard to tell Minhyuk. "I have a dead parent. I'm on medication. I have therapy two Saturdays in a month. I can't live with you like this."

Minhyuk doesn't say anything. But he holds Kihyun's hand the same as if Kihyun didn't just dropped the biggest bomb on him. Eventually, he smiles softly at Kihyun. "Must be hard for you to open up to me", he says, eyes shining as he looks at Kihyun like he's his whole world. "We both knew this day will come for a long time, isn't it?"

"You knew?" Kihyun asks in a small voice.

"During our junior year. You left your medicine bottle on my bathroom counter." 

Kihyun feels embarrassed, to say the least. He's been hiding a secret from his boyfriend and best friend all this while, a secret that the latter already knew. He's about to give up the entire conversation when Minhyuk caresses his face in a tender manner. "I don't understand why you can't move in with me, though."

"Minhyuk, I don't want you to see me like this everyday, every hour of your life." 

"Like what?"

Kihyun waves his hand exasperatedly. "Like —"

"You're still you", Minhyuk cuts him off. "The same person I fell in love with when I was 15, the same person I cried in a sandbox with." Minhyuk holds Kihyun's face in between his palms. "Kihyun, I'm not going to change my mind just because I see you swallowing pills now. I'm not planning in changing my mind ever."

_vii. I bought the kind of crackers you like. They are in the hall cupboard._

Kihyun has different work shifts in the cafe from Minhyuk. Minhyuk always complains and tries persuading the boss in changing their schedules and Kihyun would bite back a smile, but he thinks it's probably for the best or else they wouldn't get their job done. More often than not Minhyuk would drop by and admire his boyfriend of three years from the table, but today Kihyun shooed him back home before he could follow him because Minhyuk has an exam the next day.

Minhyuk, with an attention span of a mouse, left Kihyun a dozen of text messages after an hour of studying. Kihyun finally calls him during his break time. 

"I'm hungry." Minhyuk whines, and Kihyun could practically hear him pouting. "Can't I just come over to the cafe? I can't concentrate without nibbling something."

"No", Kihyun chuckles. He glances at his wrist watch. "There's fish crackers in the cupboard, the one that you like. I'll be home in two hours." 

"The crackers from the Gangnam shop beside the river bank?" From the phone, Kihyun could hear the creaking of the cupboard and rustling sounds.

"Mm-mm."

"I found it!" Minhyuk announces loudly. There's more crunching sounds and Minhyuk moans deliciously for Kihyun to hear and Kihyun snorts.

"I have to go now, there's customers." Kihyun tells him, finger already pressing the red button on his phone.

"Okay, bye, I love you!"

Kihyun ended the call before he heard the last bit.

_viii. I cannot imagine how we forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't say until it was too late._

The first time they had their first big fight was during winter of 2015. There's always been petty arguments which they resolve in an hour or two, and sometimes they have make-up sex after that, but nothing ever so serious that Kihyun starts shouting or Minhyuk cursing at him.

It was really late and Minhyuk was still not home and Kihyun was worried sick. He didn't pick up his call nor messaged him back, and when Kihyun calls Minhyuk's friends none of them answered too. They have different circle of friends, since Kihyun majors in business and Minhyuk in chemistry, and while Kihyun doesn't know them very well, Minhyuk always assures him that he's only surrounding himself with good company.

Minhyuk finally walks into their apartment at 4 a.m, or rather, he stumbles past the front door and struggles to take off his shoes. Kihyun glares at him from the couch, arms crossed. "Where did you go?" He tries to remain calm.

"Out", Minhyuk simply answers. He looks up from his shoes to glance at Kihyun. "You didn't need to wait for me."

Kihyun scoffs, anger is starting to bubble inside of him. "I wouldn't, if you had been kind enough to text me back."

Minhyuk frowns, pulling out his phone from his back pocket. He sighs when he realizes there had been at least twenty missed calls from Kihyun. 

"I'm sorry, babe", Minhyuk apologizes. He's still drunk-talking and he's been standing for far too long it's not helping with his thought process. 

"You're sorry?" Kihyun is now standing in a few feet away from Minhyuk but even from the distance he could smell the tobacco and alcohol from his boyfriend's clothes. "I stayed up till now waiting for you to come home and I have an exam tomorrow, and you're _sorry_."

"You should've just went to sleep", Minhyuk snaps back, voice getting louder. "I didn't asked you to wait like a fucking parent." 

"I was worried, you could've at least told me where you were, I even texted your friends —"

"Kihyun, fucking mind your own business for one goddamn second."

They stare at each other before Kihyun balls his fists up and storms into the room. Minhyuk groans, following him. "Kihyun, can you stop acting like a child?"

Kihyun throws a pair of clothes and his towel into his bag, blinking back angrily at the tears that are forming in his eyes. He doesn't look at Minhyuk as he packs. When he turns to leave the room, Minhyuk grabs his arm.

"Babe, come on don't do this, it's late."

Kihyun shrugs him off and walks to the front door. Minhyuk tries stopping him again, hugging him from behind this time, and Kihyun screams as he pushes Minhyuk away harshly and leaves him falling to the floor.

"Fine, leave if you hate it here so much", Minhyuk spits, throwing Kihyun's shoes out of the open door when Kihyun manages to get out. "Fucking leave and don't come back."

Kihyun knows that Minhyuk is too drunk to realize what he's saying. But he leaves anyway.

Kihyun stays at his friend's dorm for a few days. Wonho is an easygoing guy, they've been friends since the start of university, and he's nice enough to accomodate Kihyun. But after four days and Kihyun still barely left the dorm, Wonho tells Kihyun he can't be avoiding Minhyuk forever.

"It's not that I want you out of here, but if you cherish the relationship, you gotta swallow your pride and make amends, Kihyun. He's your best friend before he was your boyfriend, you should know him better than anyone else that he didn't mean what he said."

Kihyun nods, but he's still stubborn. 

Minhyuk went looking for him on the fifth day. He contacts Wonho, and the friend hands him his spare key to the dorm. Minhyuk can't help but cry when he sees Kihyun the first time since their fight as he apologizes repeatedly. Kihyun doesn't lie, he feels his chest swelling too, so he pulls Minhyuk in close and rests his cheek on the taller boy's chest.

Not too many days after where they've both simmered down and went back to normal, Kihyun asks Minhyuk out of pure curiousity, "Why did you come back for me?"

"I can't imagine how to forgive myself if I didn't do that until it was too late."

_ix. I wonder how many likes will this get on Facebook._

On their fourth year anniversary, Minhyuk goes entirely out of the way and buys the biggest bouquet of flowers and three bottles of wine and prepared a candlelit dinner at home. The sides of Kihyun's eyes crinkle when he sees it and he laughs, and Minhyuk can't help but feel overwhelmed too because it's been a while since he heard Kihyun's laugh.

They eat and kiss a lot between dinner. After downing the second bottle of red wine, Minhyuk plays a song from his phone and they start slow dancing at the hall. Kihyun rests his head on Minhyuk's shoulder and Minhyuk rests his hands on Kihyun's waist. 

"If this was on Facebook", Minhyuk murmurs in Kihyun's hair, "I wonder how many likes it would get."

"Probably not as many as my death statement." Kihyun replies back. He meant it as a joke, but Minhyuk stills.

Kihyun realizes almost immediately. "Sorry", he says, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't have a filter when I'm drunk. I was just joking about that."

Deep down Minhyuk knows it isn't the alcohol speaking. But he nods, and holds Kihyun tighter, even though he feels as if Kihyun is already slipping away.

_x. This is the kind of thing where waiting for the time to be right would just mean waiting forever._

Kihyun walks along the Mapo Bridge, his hood almost covering his eyes, and he has his earpods in to tune out the outside world's noises. He glances at the signs that are plastered all over bridge, signs that are trying to convince potential jumpers to not jump, that when your family finds your body at the bottom of the river they'll be heartbroken, and life is much, much more to that.

Kihyun hasn't felt that worth in a long time.

Kihyun loves Minhyuk more than anything in the world. There is no doubt to that. There was a point in his life where he thought he would get better by being with him and he did try, god forbid he _tried_ so hard for the both of them, but relapse is always at the corner of his eye and Kihyun is a ticking time-bomb.

Kihyun thinks he's sick because he was born out of a sick man. Maybe this was something that was already destined between the gods above. Kihyun doesn't know much about biology, but maybe he needs to die so that his family history of mental illnesses will stop here.

Kihyun loves Minhyuk so much, but he knows he can't hold on to his love to keep him alive.

He calls the suicide hotline, the same hotline he's been calling for years. He wonders if he ever talked to the same person more than once. He wonders if they could recognize his voice. He wonders how many strangers have the person talked to until they've grown accustomed to it.

"I'm not here to glamourize suicide. If I were you, I would tell me to to live too." Kihyun tells. He's sitting on the railing, eyeing down at the river. 

"It's not worth it, I know. I'm 22 years old. I have a boyfriend at home, his class ends at 4 o'clock so he's probably reading my letter now." He's spreading his arms like a bird now, feeling the soft breeze on his skin, the skin that had been red, healing and pink, and repeat, all over again for many years.

"But it's hard, you know? I wish I could cut it off like a tumor. Maybe I'm impatient. But this kind of thing, if we're gonna wait for the right time, it would just mean waiting forever."

_xi. How can something be there and then just not be there? How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?_

Minhyuk doesn't know which is worse — to release all the tears he's been holding back in front of everyone, or to tell them that he already knew this day was coming and he's cried enough to compensate for today. He finally decides that shutting his mouth would be a better decision, as he bows from the side and thank the people for attending.

The funeral was quiet and ended more quickly than other funerals he's been to. His friends attended in black clothes and sympathetic faces, and they give reassuring pats on Minhyuk's back. Minhyuk's parents stayed with him till the end and he knows that they are just as upset as he is, because Kihyun had always been like a second son to them, it felt like losing their own flesh and blood.

A few of Kihyun's relatives dropped by and gave Minhyuk condolences money. They most probably felt guilty, for not taking Kihyun in back when his parents were gone, and now it's too late. It's too late for change. It's always too late.

Minhyuk walks to the bridge where Kihyun jumped off after the funeral. He's not contemplating suicide, he just wants to be where Kihyun was the last time before he vanished from Earth. Minhyuk trails his fingers across the railing, the same railing Kihyun jumped across. This is the final memory he'll have of Kihyun and Minhyuk isn't sure what to feel about it.

"You gave me all the warnings", Minhyuk talks to the cold air, "But when it happened it still killed a part of me."

Minhyuk starts crying. There isn't anyone around to see him cry and he feels everything comes crashing down on him — realization finally setting in since the death of his boyfriend earlier this week. Kihyun isn't coming back.

"It's so weird", Minhyuk laughs sadly, wiping tears off his eyes. "You were just _there_. I saw you in bed on Monday morning. I bought the fried chicken you always liked. But when I came home, you weren't there anymore. How can that happen? How can twenty years of knowing each other reduced to losing you in three hours?"

Minhyuk cries softly in his hands until there are no more tears. The sky is darkening and the wind is kicking in, the signs hammered against the bridge that are loose now vibrating with the breeze. 

Minhyuk pulls out the ring from his pocket. It's been sitting there heavily throughout the funeral and he almost buried it together with the casket when they lowered it into the ground. He couldn't bring himself to at the end, if he did that it feels as though he's shutting away every memory of Kihyun.

He was supposed to propose Kihyun after graduation, which was only two more months away. He had it customized specially. Inside the ring it was carved, _forever and a day_.

Minhyuk looks at the ring, smiling sadly, before he inserts it into a necklace that he was already wearing. 

That way, Kihyun will always be close to Minhyuk's heart.

_xii. I was never bold enough to buy bright green sheets. I wanted them, but always thought they were too brash, even with no one but me to see them. I bought a set yesterday and put them on the bed. I knew that you would like them._

Minhyuk moves back to his parents' home a week after. Kihyun was right, he loves the green sheets on his bed.


End file.
